2009 is coming to a close.. I gotta say I'm fairly really happy that it is. As i been warned early on this year my parents had said to be careful this year it wasn't going to be such a good year for me as a rat and suppose to wear jade all year long (which i fail to do) >_< superstitions i know. but i've went through MAJOR changes this year. Ups and downs. Just a total craziness. New experiences in my life i never thought i would do and did. Don't get me wrong.. i truly believe at same point i wanted to do them and deeply have no regrets. 3 car accidents 3 speeding tickets, and 2 parking tickets later i believe i'm put myself in a hole of driving in a whole different level. lol. i've gain new friendships, new adventures, new experiences but lost love, my grandpa, my baby REX, and i pray that my oldest uncle on my dad side to stay off that list.... tears were spilled... laughter came and gone. I'm exhausted at the moment hoping when will things come right back up. Im hanging in there. i am. sigh^ stressful. And searching for someone who i can share my life and lean on is really hard. Sometimes it would be nice just to have someone there to say "Everything will be alright". I know we know it will but sometimes you just like to hear it to reassure you so your heart can relax. Nowadays i feel time is racing against me. Time flies sooooo darn fast. Have you notice? It's a be taunting. Right now im just trying to set my mind. but i don't know if im doing good enough? I always feel i can do more. but im not? Am i werid? I have the confidence in myself in my mind but in the outside i fall apart and seems like i have none?!?!?! crazy i know. i don't even understand it sometimes. I really should go to the gym to exert all this negative energy out of me instead of bumming around at home eatting or stare at a computer screen. lol. I been trying to do more things around the house cuz after the accident i see how much my parents go through for us kids. I'm sorry that i have to make them stress over me.. I know they love me. I love them too. I'm just the type that has a hard type expressing it i guess. to anyone that is close to me i think... something i need to change maybe it's something i should look into in the new year eh? Stop pulling up a wall around me. Don't be afraid and take chances. Show some affection? I guess i can try to be nice and not always so darn mean. Im ready for you 2010!!! I can feel it's gonna be a better year with changes in my life which includes finishing Nursing School!! I CAN DO THIS!!! and hopefully find love along the way. HA!! a girl can only wish. hehehe. =) sad to happy BLog! keke im a dork i know you HUSH! haha

I like keeping myself busy. i love nothing being able to have that chance to think of nonsense stuff. i'm trying really hard to pack my schedule once again and i love that. i've just never got used to have soo much time on my hands! it's driving me insane! Even though i have too much time you would think i would be productive though.. nope. wrong. i think i am more productive when i know i got a schedule to follow and have no time to spare. i guess you can say i work under pressure? I'm just trying here. it's hard.. and it hurts.. but i push it to the back of my head and just go go go. i love the rush. (sometimes too much, i guess that's y cops love me LOL) but you know what i mean. I'm addicted to adrenaline rush. the pass weekend made me realize i need to realllllllllly catch up with groups of friends. it's so great to have them. They are fun! Most definitely some of the best motivaters of mine =) So my new years resolution is 1) Keep up with the gym 2) Continue to reconnect old and hopefully make NEW friends too ^_^ 3) Never fall behind on the danger zone for school 4) Make some $$$ to pay off debt 5) lets see mayb hopefully if im lucky... find a bf? haha =P IF a good guy comes along. start giving chances. =) im movinggggg... movinggggg along.... and on............ hehe. <3

It's been up and down lately. I'm losing my focus! It's like i KNOW what needs to be done but yet i don't go through with it. I'm soo disappointed in myself. I got another "Please see me" note from school. I gotta work harder and stop fucking around. I need a job to occupy my time in a more productive day. Pack my schedule up like i used to and not being able to have a ounce of time to think. I've total turned to a 180' from this hard working, always busy, book nerd, rarely go out and have fun, $$$ savings to this broke in debt, lazy, failure, stupid, addicted to nothing but fun, and unproductive person. I'm lost. I don't know how to get home..... I'm trying.. If only i had that special person that i can kind of lean on and push me to the right direction. I'm so weak. When i heard these words, "Im not perfect i kno dat, but i was faithful to u and u can always count on me to b there". i think to myself it's true i DID have someone always there for me but i was soo confused about myself then. what was i suppose to do?!?? other than to let it go? =(

" i gave u my whole life helen and becuz u had to "find urself" u acted rational and life thought of da easy way out knowing how much it would of screwed me ova, knowing i had my life set wid u and u juss end it knowing we were gonna have kids get married and all dat, but becuz "you" were feeling unhappy, not us "you" u ended it so i have nothing else to say"

WAS I WRONG TO FEEL THE WAY I DID?? WAS I WRONG TO MAKE THAT DECISION? WAS I WRONG TO HURT SOMEONE THE WAY I DID?

Tears run down on and on when i think about how much i hurted this person because NO MATTER WHAT happens, I CARE about this person endlessly. And i can't bare knowing the fact that i hurt someone so dearly to me that much to the point of no forgiveness. I wish he understood how i felt and what it means to be on my side and point of view but i already knowing our lack of communication that would never happen in this lifetime. ^sigh^

On the side note: I tried something sooo new yesterday... something i said i will NEVER do, but like everything else this year seems to be the year of rule breaking and risk taking... i guess it's something i can check off the list. it was the best feeling TO ME but at least one is happy. I don't know if i would do it again. I need to learn to say 'no' a skill i never got close to mastering. i've ALWAYS love seeing people happy by means sacrificing what i want. but most of the time i want is what they want. as long as they are happy, im happy. gay i know. u can call me names but it's hard to explain that feeling u get when ur the reason that someone smiles or happy. it's cute. hahahah. a good "high" feeling like.